| You’ve saved whales and dolphins – now save the bees | |
 | ⇒ More Mike Morin Columns Published: Tuesday, May 15, 2007 |
While you’re observing the “don’t buy gas” Internet movement today, I’m calling for a boycott with a nobler purpose. I am asking everyone to shut off their cell phones on June 1. It’s not to save the lives of distracted drivers. It’s to save the lives of honeybees.
Some scientists believe that radiation from your cell phone is messing with the navigation systems of the bees.
Yes, it’s up to you to save the bees. After all, you were there when asked to save the whales. You cheered when the bald eagle returned to patrol the great-fruited planes of Kansas and the rugged fjords of Milwaukee. You even shed a tear at the thought of Flipper being caught in one of those dolphin-deadly tuna fishing nets.
America needs you again. It’s time to save the bees. You see, thanks to our wireless communication devices, those little internal bee GPS systems are going kablooey, causing a phenomenon know as Colony Collapse Disorder. Commercial bee populations are down substantially, because honeybees can’t find the way back to their hives, which means the queen bee has no dance partners, which means . . . well, you already know about the birds and the bees, I presume. Let me put it you another way, kids: “If this hive’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.”
Speaking of Colony Collapse Disorder, do you think we’ve finally found a task that FEMA might be able to handle?
What else can we do to avoid extinction of the hardest-working insect in show business? I believe we will need to outlaw the killing of any honeybee, even if it’s plunging its stinger into your fleshly forearm. However, like we do in the Granite State for moose season, the New Hampshire Fish and Game Department might consider holding a lottery for permits that allow a chosen few to slap a bee to death for sporting purposes.
Are you willing to join me in leaving your phone in “off” mode June 1? Your meals may depend on it. But there is hope. There are 3,500 species of other pollinating bees that, if needed, are willing to step in to get the job done. I thought a few bee varieties had interesting names. You’ll be hearing a lot about these non-union replacement bees. There’s the squash bee, leafcutter bee, hornfaced bee and carpenter bee. And there’s – no lie – the polyester bee, an insect credited with the successful and well-documented proliferation of leisure suit plantations in South America.
There’s also sweat bees. I remember when the media accused Kathie Lee Gifford of owning some. My favorite is the shaggy fuzzyfoot bee that builds its hives and raises its young in the thick chest hair of sun worshiping males.
I’m hoping to recruit the Nasonex bee you see selling nasal allergy medication on TV to lend support to my cell phone boycott.
If you cherish your Honey Nut Cheerios, please help save the bees before FEMA steps in and makes it worse.
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